The Actor in the Front Row
The alarm rings at 5:00 AM. Or maybe it is the dry Harmattan dust tickling my throat, or the sound of the Adhan echoing from the loudspeaker down the street.
My body moves automatically. I perform the ablution, the cold water biting at my skin. I stand on the mat. I bow. I prostrate. My lips recite the Arabic verses perfectly because I learned them as a child. To anyone watching—my neighbors, my friends, my elderly grandmother—I am a devout young man.
But inside my head, there is only silence.
This is the reality of my life. I am a freethinker living in the heart of Northern Nigeria, and every day is a performance. I am an actor on a stage where the curtain never falls, and the audience is everyone I love.
The Burden of the Lie
Living a double life is not just about hiding your lack of belief; it is emotionally exhausting. The hardest part isn’t the fear of hell—I stopped fearing that years ago. The hardest part is the guilt of deceiving the people who care about me.
When my grandmother prays for me, her hands trembling as she whispers, “Allah ya yi maka albarka,” I have to say “Amen.” I see the peace religion brings her, and I know that if I told her the truth—that I no longer believe in the sky she prays to—it would break her heart into a thousand pieces.
So, I wear the mask. I smile and nod when my friends say “Masha Allah” for every small win I achieve through my own hard work. I keep my mouth shut when I hear religious leaders preaching hatred against science or logic.
The Suffocation
Sometimes, I feel like screaming. I want to ask: “Does anyone else feel this empty?” I want to say: “Can’t you see that it was the medicine that cured you, not the holy water?”
But I swallow the words. In my society, questioning is dangerous. One slip of the tongue could cost me my reputation, my safety, or even my life. So, I retreat to my room, lock the door, and open my phone. That is the only place I can breathe.
You Are Not Alone
I am writing this today because I know I am not the only one. There are thousands of young Nigerians just like me. You are in the universities, in the markets, and yes, standing in the front rows of the mosques and churches. You feel isolated, thinking you are the only “bad” one.
I want to tell you: You are not bad. You are just awake.
Let’s Talk About It
We cannot speak in the open yet, but we don’t have to be lonely anymore. We have built a safe community right here on this platform. If you are tired of wearing the mask alone, come and join us. In our Discussion Groups, you don’t have to pretend. You can share your story, ask questions, and meet other young Africans who value reason over dogma.
Join the Freethinkers of Nigeria Group here:
https://www.freethinkersinternational.net/groups/freethinkers-of-nigeria
Let’s build a support system for each other. You are safe here.
